“Life comes at you fast.”
Those 5 words couldn’t be more true for me this.
You see last Saturday was a day, just like any day, until suddenly and unexpectedly it wasn’t. As I laid in bed, fighting with the alarm clock, and cursing it to hell, for truly being the most disrespectful object in my room that morning, I found out my uncle had passed away. Suddenly the alarm clock was nonexistent, quite and the silence was deafening. I kind of just laid there, paralyzed a bit, in shock maybe. But that reaction, was to be expected.
What happened right after that wasn’t. I go up, got dressed, and went to work. And I didn’t tell a soul. I had a job to do, people who needed me, even a party to attend that night, and even in my sudden grief, and unexpected loss, I still believed I owed everyone else that thing, that thing I always want from people, but almost never get, I believed I needed to show up. BE THERE. SO I showed up, hurting, broken, sad, upset, confused, but I was there, because somewhere in my mind, it seemed like the thing to do. Get up, shut up, dry your tears, beat that mug, and carry on.
Almost a week later, and I’m barely wrapping my head around the whole thing. But a few things have become clear. This has been a shitty week for a lot of really awesome people. Every day, as I silently tried to find the right emotion of feeling to cope with my own family loss, it seems that the universe continued to present other people with things that also seemed, simply put, unfair. Finding out awesome beautiful black queens, who are my age are dealing with sicknesses that they don’t deserve, or watching beautiful unique souls lose everything in a fire, reminded me, that people are really out here moving mountains, sometimes in silence, and the little shit, the little petty ridiculous shit, those hiccups and misunderstands just… nothing… NOTHING.
But, if you’re reading this blog, you know I’m a list girl, I categorize my thoughts in that way, and this isn’t any different. I’m just trying to make sense of it all..
My parents are superheroes. I already knew that, but it’s the moments like these, the dark days that aren't always easiest, where they shine. You see, watching your father lose his brother isn’t easy, but watching him step up as the youngest siblings and truly take the bull by the horns is. I saw my mom do it for her parents, and here we are again. They have mastered the art of showing up. Of being the strength that so many others need when times get hard. I know they are hurting, I see it, I feel it, but I am forever in awe of how they keep it together. I could say I have a piece of that, but really I’m not there, not even close. I’m so thankful for them, and my family near and far. We aren’t perfect, but we are strong. Distance often gets the best of us, but how amazing is it to know that sometimes, blood really is doing it’s job and is thick like gravy. My uncle was a gem, and we are all better because of him.
Thug tears fall even harder when you are trying to be strong. And watching Ellen videos, while trying to pretend that you didn’t just have a family member pass away, topped with heavy mascara and no coffee is a first class ticket to looking like a hot mess silently in your office doesn’t help. ITS ALWAYS A BAD IDEA GIRL, ALWAYS. I sometimes question if I have a heart, but gosh dangit, watching Andy bring out those big old checks to those deserving families, and teachers, and audience members, gets me every single time. It’s like my emotional senses are on one hundred, and the sight of puppies, rainbows, or Ellen even pulling out a letter to read means I will probably cry. Sorry, it’ll pass, I’m just going through it… but i’m a G, so it’ll pass.
One thing this week has taught me, is to be so much more thankful for the people in my life. The people who unexpectedly lift you right out of your storm. The ones who make life a little easier, clearer, funnier, brighter, louder, and better just by being them. We’ve all heard the expression, be kind to people, because you never know what they are going though. That was me all week. Fighting myself, and my emotions and the hurt that silently was tearing me up. And I had this inner fight with myself, a fight that turned into anger, trying to justify highs and lows I was feeling in other relationships, because despite what I was going though, people still weren’t there. I’m learning, there are two sides to that feeling. One of them, is my fault. For wanting people to reach further than their arms allow them to go. Be it physically or figuratively. If we are off when nothing is even really wrong, I can’t expect much more when I am actually hurting. You have to meet people where they are at, and be happy that that is always and forever your place. Water it, make it grow, but learn to understand the limitations of that garden.
But know, there is greener grass just ahead. Gardens that grow when one is watching, and flourish in their own light. They produce these amazing moments, that lift you when you are down,, and low, and breathe into you a new and often hilarious life. And those are the moments, hidden behind the struggle of you willing yourself out of bed for family dinners, that become best decision you’ve have made all week. Because, those people, brighten your day just because, you didn’t ask them to, they don’t know what happened, they just are that awesome. And I am thankful... beyond.
Nothing that happens to you, is your fault. This is important, because I struggle with this. Hard. When you are a hardass, you sometimes feel like you deserve the dark days life brings. You try and justify why bad things happen to you. But what I know, so much more clearly now, is that, it’s not my fault. The world, my world, is filled with some of the best people I have ever met. Who’s light warms my skin and makes me feel like I’m glowing just being around them. So how, can bad things happen to them? WHY would bad things happen to them? They don’t deserve it. They are awesome, and perfect, really nice people. You know why? Because struggles have no name… they fall from the sky and land all over. They land in the yards of the most shitty weeds, making it harder to grow anything. But they also land on the most beautiful flowers. But if your garden is already beautiful, no stupid little spot won’t damper that shine. So, I’m learning, to take the good with the bad. And learn from the many struggles people around me are facing. No one deserves it, death, sickness, loss, f*ckboys, bad eyebrows, shitty jobs, bad days... but now that it’s here, let’s fight that hoe head on.
My eyes are doing that thing, where they water and get cloudy again, so I’ll stop here.
My uncle’s death hasn’t really settled in with me just yet. But one thing I know, is that it reinforces the idea of BEING THERE. I try to be there for everyone, all the time, and I've finally realized that I am not Superman. I'm learning to be there, for myself, and not only everyone else. Dare I stay I'm human? Everyone, at some point, experiences a low, a low so low, that you can’t even make out a light at the end of the tunnel. But how amazing is it, that in those moments, you will find a strength that you didn’t even know you had. WHY? Because bad days, are just days, and like the sun rises and falls, so will this moment. And death… death sometimes sneaks up on you, and cuts you in places so deep that it feels like a new pain that can’t be easily cured. But sometimes, we need that reminder to live a little bigger, and bolder, and better than we did the day before.
So, if you’ve had a week like mine, here’s a virtual hug. I see you, and I’m sorry the universe is PMSing on you now. You don’t deserve that. And I pray for brighter days in no time. You are strong, dope, and built for this…
Be kind to each other. Call your friend. Stop being a shit. Be thankful for your blessings. Smile when no one is watching. Order extra whip on you frap. Cry some tears. Kick a wall. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that even though today is complete shit- tomorrow is a new day, your dope, and strong, so much better than your bad days.. you got this…