New Co-Worker: "OMG, I judged you so hard when I first met you. You are actually cool AF, damn. I would never have guessed you were such a nice person."
This has become the narrative that continues to be associated with my life, and frankly, it blows. The past few weeks have been met with quite a bit of self-reflection after coming to the realization that I am simply not really liked as a person. Now, of course, I have friends and make people laugh, and all the other things that qualify as being a decent human being in Trump's America, but the sad truth is, there are very few people, if any, who like everything about me without bias. And, while a large part of me, has built a wall that tells those people to suck it, the last few weeks have been another, in only about three times in my entire life that I have felt completed defeated. The truth is, even the most hard-ass, tell it like it is, takes no shit humans, have feelings. I know, this is fresh hot alternative facts to most people, but it is true. For the first time in a long time, I felt as though I wasn't being seen for the person I was, but rather the almost villainous human that the world had made me out to be. The people I loved, and the spaces I felt most myself in, no longer wanted me to be there. They shined a light on my flaws, questioned my authenticity, told me I was a bad person, accused me of not doing enough, pulled out receipts of the missteps that I've made, and simply disappeared. And I found myself standing there, without much energy to fight them, taking all of this in, while feeling myself crumble with every word because they were right. But it sucks... to not be seen the way you wnat to be. It's lowkey suffocating to not have the world see your light and understand it. And not even try to...
The truth is, I am a lot to handle. I am loud and rude, and sarcastic, and blunt, and strong, and confident in a way that maybe comes off as unforgiving. I am a hard worker, and I am allergic to excuses, and not always very sympathetic, nor welcoming in the traditional sense. I'm not bubbly, or happy go lucky, or friends with everyone, and I do desire to be a people-pleaser, or apart of the in crowd. I dress differently, I talk differently, I think differently, I am different. I'm bold, and unique and unapologetic in my thoughts and feelings and I want the best for people, and when they don't want that for themselves, I don't like them. I'm still so insecure, and awkward, but dope and crazy. And I love to have fun, but I'm reserved, closed off, introverted and extroverted at the same time and passionate, and the furthest thing from open and personal and all those things that are considered redeemable qualities in a woman. I am also really nice, caring, fun, kick ass, a great friend, would take the jacket off my back for you in a second. I love to have fun, I love the people around me so much, like they don't even know. I try hard, and work hard, and I love hard. And I'm a hot mess who loves eyebrows, and movies and fun and food. And the list goes on and on...
Real Talk: its taken me 29 years to be that person. That crazy ball of weirdness and strength, that is still learning, and still growing. And still becoming the person God wants me to be. So imagine the heart-wrenching truth, that people don't like you in the way you thought they did. Imagine finding out, that the way God made you, the way your parents molded you to be, wasn't be portrayed the way you wanted. It's like, climbing this wall, and getting to the top, only to find out, you're nowhere near the finish line. It disappointing. It's not the end of the world, but it sucks. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with certain things, be comfortable in my own skin, my voice, my looks, my thoughts, it been a process, and know that people don't see that, or don't understand is hard. Because I've worked so hard to be better.
I remember like it yesterday, three of my closest female friends at the time, taking me to a dinner years ago, and me thinking it was a normal night to catch, and them telling me some hard truths about myself. And I cried right there in that restaurant. Not because I was upset, but because they were right. I hadn't been the friend to them that they deserved, and I hadn't been the person that I knew I could be, and they called me out on it. And it hurt. But looking, outside of the initial thought of being a bit blindsided, I understood then that who I was on the outside and who I felt like on the inside, weren't matching up. And it was time to adjust, and grow, and better myself. At the time, I felt attacked and upset, but it helped me to be more confident and aware of others and their feelings, and how my presence affected that.
Often times, we tell people, be kind to others, learn to interact with folks that are different than you, be open to different people and experiences. But what we actually mean is, be like me, do it how I do it, and live your life to the fullest, as long as in fits within the parameters of what I deem to be ok. We fail to give people that are different in other ways the same respect and open mind that we give that are different in the obvious ways. We respect people of different faiths, but we lack in patience to respect people with different personalities. We encourage treating our LGBTQ folks with kindness and yet, we don't like her because of A, B or C. It is important, as we all grow up and meet new people in our lives as young adults, that we open our minds to not only people that have outward differences than us, but the small not so obvious differences that really shape not only our mindset, but our personalities. Those are the things, the special things that make us who we are. I don;t care who you love, I don't care who you pray to, or don't pray to, I care that you are a good person. That you are nice and thoughtful, and fun. Those are the things that make us who we are, and those are the things we have to work with each day, interact with, dance alongside, talks to, meet new people with, exist in this crazy world with.
So the past few weeks, I took a huge step back. Deleting all my social media, and trying to just get back in tune with myself. It's been great. Mostly because I have realized who reaches out when you disappear, and who doesn't. And the people I would least expect, have reached out and provided themselves as listening ears, and I am so thankful to them. Beyond, what they even know. I realized that there are things about myself that simply aren't coming off the way they are intended and that it is my goal in 2017 to fix that. I realized that my phone's battery life is way more popping without mindless FB updates or Twitter notifications, or stupid snaps being sent to me privately that are also on people's story (stop it, really).
But most importantly, I realized to never again allow what people have to say about me, tear me down the way I did a few weeks back. I didn't take it well, because I felt attacked, and misunderstood and all those negative feelings, and it broke me. I have all these things going on in my life, this new job, a couple of family members in the hospital, planning the future, auditioning and still trying to make dance that thing in my life. And here comes these people, who are making decent points and I break down. Mostly because I know I have a good heart, and I know I'm trying, and I know I'm better than what they are saying.
I'm in a constant state of STILL. Still trying to figure it out. Still trying to grow. Still trying to better myself. Still sometimes a hot mess. But I'm STILL trying...
The beauty of you and me, and all of us is the fact that we are so different. And my different is not bad or worse because it's not like yours. I am learning every day, to be ok with this body and mind that God gave me. And sometimes I will make mistakes, and sometimes I will be a cloud of shade, and sometimes I will be a beacon of light. Both parts are equally me. And I'm no longer going to make excuses for being both of those lights.
The Duality of me is that I am a bunch of different things at once.
And honestly, I no longer will hide one for the other. There is shade and sarcasm, love and respect, humor and happiness, truth and boldness, confidence and insecurity all at the same time, and they are all me. Too many folks want the Crystal Light version of me, and I've tried that, but Crystal Light is nasty bro. I'm a full out Kool-Aide even a TANG kind of girl, its sweet and tangy and delicious, and it's not for everyone. And finally, I understand that that's ok. And while the formula may need improvements, the foundation is what it is.
I'm working on bettering myself.
But I'm not changing for anyone.
Surround yourself with people, who are going to love you fully, but also tell you when you ain't shit. Surround yourself with energies that are uplifting, as well as honest. Remember that you are only human, and your growing and learning and you will make mistakes. We are all a bunch of 20-somethings just trying to figure it out. Don;t let people tell you how to do you. Be dope, and different, and open to feedback but not criticisms that lack honesty and sincerity. Learn to disconnect, from the people and the things that aren't helping you to grow. Log off every once in a while, and stop trying to make yourself look like you are something you aren't. Shut up sometimes, and listen. And know that at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. So be completely in love with that person. Everyday. Work on that person. Everyday. And know that you're going to be ok...
I'm thankful for the time away, and time to really reflect. We all can use a break sometimes... to remember our dopeness... try it sometime...