From the Vault: Hello 2016, It's Me

Orginally Posted: January 1st, 2016

Yesterday I realized who you start the year off with may be vastly different then who you end the year with. I realized that it hurts to face the reality that in some people’s life you are nothing more than a Disneyland hook up, a convenient photo op or a coworker. I realized that sometimes friendships are one sided, and those that you love can easily become strangers, and that even your closest friends will replace you. I realized that people are insufferably miserable and will always look for a copilot to their misery. I see now that some people are happy being sad, live off a tension, force themselves to make their lives miserable, believe they are the only people on Earth who face a struggle, have VIP tickets to Pitty Parties and flourish in miscommunication. I know now that some people want you to feel sorry for them all the time, and if your house was burning before their eyes, would still ask to borrow some sugar.

Last Week I realized that you are the only person who can truly stick up for yourself. That you should never be humble to the point of humiliation, and that your voice matters, no matter how loud or how soft. It occurred to me that with every engagement, baby announcement and wedding, I am still, unapologetically, and supremely single. I became more aware of the importance in life as a mass shooting happened in my very small relatively unknown town. Furthering the realization that anything can happen, to anyone, at any time… and most importantly I realize that all lives matter, unless those lives look like me.

Last Month I learned that you cannot continue to let your place of work determine your worth. I realized that no matter how hard you work and how long you’ve been at your place of employment, someone will eventually be promoted over you, receive something before you and virtually take what you have put the hard miles in for. I figured out that the incompetence of your workplace is beyond your control. I see the lengths that people will go to break you, hurt your feelings, and your pride. And the littlest moments can bring the truest colors out of folks and those are the times when you find out what people really think of you.

A few months ago it occurred to me that my friendship is a privilege. I realized that very few message threads start without my initiation, and I could count on my hands the times a person asked about my day before divulging fully into their semi overly dramatic soap opera monologue. It was ever so clear that the struggles of being a black woman would be the very things that held me back in this world. I see now that people rarely fight for what’s right, but rather what’s best for themselves or the ones they love. I see that grown women, are each other’s worse enemy, can be as petty as teenage girls, and some of the most unbalanced, sometimey, inconsistent creatures on Earth.

Last Year like a ton of bricks, I came to the realization that I am a lot all at once. And even at my age, I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing… but it’s me, completely fully and unapologetically.

January 1, 2016...
Today, I realize what a difference a day makes. Today I am thankful for the friendships I’ve had, I have and I will have. I realize that my fatal flaw maybe making forever out of those that are temporary. Today will love from afar. Today I know that I should be able to be myself in a relationship of any sort. Today I know the right person is somewhere out there, and that other people’s relationships aren’t a quota for mine. Today I will apologize less for things I am not sorry for, the truth, my outfit choices, saying no, walking away, deleting off social media, etc don’t need to be explained any more. Today I realize that I am good at my jobs. And that you are your best and worst critic. I had a life before this job, and I will after, so while I’m here, in the thick of it, I want to enjoy it instead of hate it, and allow it to break me. I realize coworkers are insufferable, and nosey and really awesome people for the most part all at the same time. I realize that though phones and emails and such work both ways, I can only expect so much from people. Holiday texts are few and far between these days, but that doesn’t mean I am not loved. Today I know the importance of fighting for what you believe, the greater good, and celebrating your friends. Today I know that the small town I call home is built Ford tough, and we will rebuild ourselves and our city. Today I know that you can't always take on other people's issues, because you'll end up drained. Today I see the color of my skin less as a burden and more of a blessing, because I know it means I’m stronger, and tougher than you. I see that when a grown woman talks to you on a Tuesday and ignores you in the halls on a Thursday, that probably has zero to do with you. Today I understand its ok to have me time, do me, not tell a joke and have bad days. TODAY I know distance and time doesn't have to change a friend. Today I can walk away more and try to get upset less. Today I want to write more, see more indie films, take more solo dates, learn more, travel more, enjoy music, enjoy people, and live... Today I believe that I am good enough, strong enough, and most importantly so much more than I give myself credit for. Today I know that 2016 won’t bring a brand new me, but with growth comes change and that I can feel it already and I’m here for it…

Hello 2016. Its me…