8 Things I Learned in 2018...
Find your safe space. With so much talk about mental health and self-care, I wonder how many of us know what is best for us to take a moment away from what the world tries to bog us down with and find some peace. Getting your nails or a facial done is nice, but I’ve learned that it is important to find what calms your storms, both internally and externally. Living in America can literally drain you of all the light your soul has left to give. Each of us deserve to find something that keeps us going. It doesn’t have to be big but find it. For me, I’ve learned, it’s everything from dancing to release the emotions that I haven’t mastered, finding music that says the things that still scare me, writing from places that I didn’t even know I was capable of, or watching films to remind myself that the imagination is still a place of beauty and resort. Find your space place, not in others, not on social media, but the place within, and guard it with all you have.
You can’t want more for others than they want for themselves. I struggle with this one. I see friends I love and see nothing but amazingness in their future. I know that they are beautifully and perfectly made. I have learned to create circles around myself of people who not only are full of life but are a ray of the warmest of California sunshine. When the brightest stars, dull themselves in shadows of stupid choices, or half ass attempts at being superstars, it grinds my gears past the point of understanding. This year, I had to realize I cannot make someone do better. I cannot make them work harder, think smarter, plan out a better future, point their feet, take themselves more seriously, nor step their game up. What I can do, is encourage them, and cheer them on, and be ready to lift them to their highest self when they are ready. If you are reading this, and you know you are my ACTUAL friend, I want the best for you, in all things, including love, work, etc. I will push you, yell at you, disagree with you, and maybe even annoy you, because I think you are perfect. I see the best parts of you, want the best for you and hope that one day, you will too.
Friendships and relationships change, it’s how you adjust to the change that decides how much it means to you. I wish I knew two years ago that I was on the brink of letting an amazing friendship slip through my fingers without even knowing it. Since that day, I struggled with the WHY. I still do, every single day. But recently, I’ve come to learn more about myself, more about what relationships mean to me, and how sometimes you must grow through some shit, literal SH*T, to find out who you really are. With change comes the choice to adjust or move on. It is important to know when to let it go, but more important to know what’s fighting for. Change is the only constant in this world, so learn how to embrace it, and watch the person you will become. Change is scary. Walking away from relationships that need to breathe, ending other ones that need to die, or taking the needed steps to resurrect the few that deserve a second chance, all can be a taxing and severely emotional process. But there is no price on your peace and surrounding yourself with the best humans possible.
Google is STILL free. I have come to the unwavering truth that people enjoy being ignorant. Like, social media has simply created billboards to see how stupid some of you are. And I am not one to call people stupid but come on folks. Calling racism, sexism, homophobia, etc, ANYTHING but what it is in 2019 means you are stupid and choosing to be ignorant. The truth is, where you believe black lives matter, or rock your red MAGA hat (not around me girl, but still), we ALL have access to the same resources where we can find facts to back ourselves up. MORE OF THAT. Believe what you want, think what you want, but RESPECT that the world is different for different people, and at the end of the day, THAT is what we are fighting for. Ignorance is bliss, but that doesn’t mean you won’t look stupid sis. Keep seeking the truth, in all things. I truly believe that so much of what tears people apart is based on their desire to be ignorant. Stop using MLK quotes out of context, stop saying black people are being dramatic, stop labeling every white person you see a racist, stop thinking you can catch the “gay”, stop eating Mexican every night while being misinformed about border control, stop worrying about the damn bathroom, stop asking why Kolin needed to kneel, stop saying you care about military but don’t do anything for our vets, stop biting black culture and calling it anything Kardashian, stop acting like you care about diversity in anything because you have an Asian or Black friend, stop supporting foolishness, stop asking why you can’t say the N- word, stop disrespecting Native Americans, stop labeling every cop bad, stop calling the police all the damn time, stop reporting minorities negatively but letting white people seem like victims, stop getting cornrows, stop using the gays as booster seats for your confidence but actually want the worse for them, stop disrespecting black women, stop disrespecting women, stop questioning the movement, stop wearing see through leggings, stop complaining and not voting, and stop being dumb! Just stop. Open Google. Read a book and do better in 2109.
Deciding you want to do better is better than posting about it. We’ve all done it, “new year, new me”, but what is really new sis? Often, one of the biggest trends at the end of a year is the need to tell everyone what you are ABOUT to do before you even did it. The things that are needed to feed your soul, are your own, so why do you need to tell me? Truth is, change is often seen better than it is heard. So take that break, close your apps for a while, hell disappear, but don't announce it. Brownie points and Girl Scout Cookies will no longer be given to those wanting a reaction. Too many of us are out here making real life change, taking time to look at ourselves in a sometimes-critical mirror, and you talking about you're leaving Instagram for two weeks. If you want to see actual change and growth in your life girl, CHANGE AND GROW. You going to leave him sis? LEAVE! You want to lose weight? RUN! You want to change, CHANGE JAN! Don’t tell me about it dude, JUST DO IT. Then maybe come 2020 you won't still be screaming out New Year, New Me, because you’ll be HAPPY with the person you took the time to become.
Stay far away from “But That One Time” people. I spent a lot of time 2018 cleaning up mistakes that I made, revisiting situations that may not have been the best, and really trying to bring thoughtful closure to circumstances that I was responsible for. While knee deep in my “lets be a bigger person” campaign and attempt to mend some of my missteps, I hit a snag. I found that there is a whole species of people who insist on bringing up the past. You’ve reached out, apologized, fixed your wrong, admitted your pettiness or even just realized the foolishness of your ways, and they can’t seem to get past that one time, seven years ago, when you didn’t do something they way THEY wanted. You know the type… we all know the type. If I have apologized to you twenty seven times, tried reading you on social media, told you ya looked nice, broke my neck to speak to you first, or even just shot you a sincere text here or there, made multiple attempts to just talk it out and you STILL are harping on the time I didn’t pass you the ketchup quick enough at Chilli’s, baby girl, its not me, its you. I think people find satisfaction in keeping people in a box. The version of you they want to hold on to, is none of your concern. When you have done what you can do, your work is done. The good book says to step up when you’ve made a mistake, be honest about the things you’ve done, and attempt to right those wrong. But you don’t have to apologize forever. You aren’t a dart board for your past mistakes, and you surely deserve to be able to move on. If it makes Susie feel better to make you a villain in her story, let her, eventually no one will continue reading that book.
Check in on people. Follow Through. And show up. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way of us all being so BUSY, I think we forgot that we are all living and breathing beings that need to feel something outside of our apps and phones. I cannot keep track of the missed opportunities, cancelled met ups, ignored messages, cries for help, and so much more that seemingly vanished into the vortex over the year simply because people don’t seem to care about others. The “let’s get togethers” that turned into being stood up or forgot about. The “we should meet ups” that turned into four or five times of failed attempted to just be social. Then you wonder why your friends are secretly depressed, why people are unhappy, and depression is real. One thing I have always prided myself on is showing up, as much as I can, as often as I can. It’s not easy, because sometimes I am tired, sometimes I don’t want to drive to Timbuctoo, but I do it. Not because I am Mother Teresa, but because I know at the end of the day, people still need people. I do it because I still have nights when life gets me down, and I want to be able to reach out past my phone. Likes are fun, views are nice, but talking on Twitter will never be better than talking in real life. 2019 more of that. More checking in on friends just cause. More nights up talking for hours about nothing. More game nights, boba dates, more time together. More follow through, across the board but you aren’t that busy girl. More, just more.
Take your time. I remember the days I would joke that everyone I knew was getting engaged, getting promotions and having kids. If only I knew then how bad it would actually get. As a 31-year-old single woman with not a single prospect in sight, I sometimes wonder if my life will ever mirror the people around me. And as overwhelming happy as I have become for blossoming relationships, impeding engagements and the never-ending slew of baby announcements, I cannot help but wonder if my time will ever come. Knowing that black women are the most single population on the planet, knowing that love seems like something made for people with more perfect hearts then mine, and not really believing that I am anywhere near ready to have a child outside probably dressing them better than any other kid on the block, the world will push their time lien on you. I sit at weddings and baby showers as the forever single friend. Most days it fits me like a glove, but other days, its itchy and uncomfortable and I wonder what it would be like to be loved like that. But as 2019 peaks softly around the corner, I am making a promise to myself to take my time. Truth is, I am. I am love, and I give and receive it every single day. Timeline’s are for Instagram and work place projects. Life is to be lived in the moment, love is to be found when you are least expecting it, and well babies are to be held for a few moments and given promptly back to their parents. Teaching myself to be less envious of what's not made its way to my life (or what left too quickly), and more open to what may be is hard af, but I cannot affix myself to someone else's story. My reality is that MY life looks nothing like the people around me, and I think that is ok. My clock may be slow, it isn't broken.
