Father's Day

Moment of honesty

I used to get so upset when people celebrated their mom’s on Father’s Day.

Not because I didn't understand the sentiment

But because I was lucky enough to have a good one

A great dad one might say

They would talk about all the moments their absent father missed

All the birthdays, special days, sports games, and awards

And I would feel bad because for them

Sad that they didn't have someone standing with them in those important moments

Funny how life and perspective can change

Because in a weird way I get it now

I’m on the other side of things and cannot help but think of all the moments he’ll miss

The idea of the big moments I might have left in life seems, unimportant without him

My promotion at work, the small goal I accomplished or simple day-to-day wins, feel so much less now

Holidays feel like constant reminders about what was

And the thought of even bigger things, marriage, kids, feel unimportant without him to share it with

It all feels selfish really

To mourn the loss of something when you have so much to still live for

And I imagine it will get easier in time; soon feel less heavy 

I’m not sure if I’m doing it right, grieving the right things, doing the right things

I worry if he’s still proud of me, what he would say on my most challenging days

I worry if I’ve burdened my friends with all my grief and wonder if things will ever be the same

I worry if I'm doing everything I could do to be the best daughter I could be, should have been

But for now, I work on making it through the day in good spirits

I honor the man I knew and find comfort in knowing I had a good one

A great one some might say

And that remains true

Days like this will continue to come

Some will feel longer than others have more tears and long nights

Others will feel lighter, softer, and better

All of the days are important, all the moments, all the feels

I will learn to celebrate new things, new milestones, and new holidays

I will find space for him because he is always with me

I will find comfort in the smallest moments: like finding his sweater, having our mechanic say how much I remind him of you, or simply laughing to myself when I can hear your voice in my head

I will grow from this while growing into this: the grief, the loss, the tears

I used to get so upset when people celebrated their living fathers on Father’s Day.

Not because I didn't understand the sentiment

But because I was lucky enough to have had a good one

A great dad one might say 

Happy Father’s Day Dad