The Business of Closure

Closure:

1. the act or process of closing something, especially an institution, thoroughfare, or frontier, or of being closed.

2. a sense of resolution or conclusion at the end of an artistic work.

3. a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved.

I have always had a complicated relationship with the idea of closure. And by complicated, I mean, I just kind of pushed it to the side. For as long as I can remember, I would find myself in situations, big and small, minor and life-changing, and once they reached a relativity pause, normally after the other person was “ok”, I would in turn, bring myself to that same place of being “OK”. Most recently, the kids would say “I’m good”, or “I’m fine” and the biggest offender, “I’m over it”.

Literally, as far back as I can remember, I have major moments, which eventually impacted the long-term development of my life, in which I walked away, without an answer, without a sense of completion and without closure. I can easily think of situations in high school, that changed the dynamic of friendships that were never resolved, life-altering moments in college that every so often pops up in my mind as a “to be continued” storyline. But it wasn’t until recently, in which the nasty head of needing real and honest closure sat most heavily on my insides.

The truth is, we live in a “get over it culture”. We tell girls to get over that guy, we remind people they are bigger than that opportunity they didn’t get, or better than whatever situation they are holding on to, and we encourage people to move on, because there is always sometime bigger and better around the corner. But is that always the right thing to do? In an America that is heavier and harder to bare every day, with shows about real families holding on to years of drama and secrets, with young babies holding on to grief heavier than what grown adults can handle in schools, and with people, in general, taking their own lives at an all-time high, I wonder if “getting over it” is really the best advice.

For me, it took a number events over the last year to realize you can be fully functional, happy, flourishing and completely overwhelmed and heartbroken over something as much as you try to get over it. To be fair, my situation isn’t the end of the world, and it luckily hasn’t caused me a sense of pain that has left me in any kind of mentally unhealthy state, but, it has left an unwavering amount of open ended-ness, that has left my heart with a hole the size of a Krispy Kreme donut. I think about things differently now. I replay each moment in my head daily, wondering where things went wrong. I recite what I might say if I had the chance while driving home at night. I get emotional knowing that maybe, something I did wasn’t enough. Sometimes I feel like a broken car window, that instead of repairing, I use the old black trash bag and duck trick to close it up. It works for now, but it is unstable, unreliable and temporary. My I’m good game is real strong, but sometimes, even I am tired.

The older I get (old lady gang), the more dedicated I am to tying up the loose ends and lifting the little things that I’ve gotten so good as brushing off, no longer paint me into a corner of detachment or “over it-ness”. It’s a journey, and not easy to step back into situations and decide that you might have to walk through the mud a bit to grab hold of the lesson, but are you not worth it? Is honestly not the best policy? Honestly with others, and more importantly yourself? I’ve hurt people, and people have hurt me, but who wins when you hold on to it forever and a day?

The thing is, we all deserve to be whole. Whatever that means to you. We all deserve to be able to sleep at night without being kept awake by that one thing from long ago. We deserve open-ended conversations with loved ones, about things that happened yesterday, and things that happened 10 years ago. We deserve to really get it all out. We deserve closing chapters in our lives, fully, in hopes to write new pages in our story. We deserve to tell people that thing you did hurt me, big or small, and they deserve to know. We deserve answered messages and returned calls, even if its not going to be the easiest conversation. We deserve to be able to move on, completely, wholly, and honestly, and not just enough to say we are on social media. We deserve for our spirits to be calmed, and our intentions to be made clear. We deserve for things to not fall on deaf ears. We deserve to have a real smile behind the smiles of “I’m fine” or “I’m over it”. We deserve to actually be over it. We deserve to have that grudge lifted off our shoulders, to make it easier for newness to fall into our lives. We deserve restful nights, and to finally remove that tape that keeps playing over and over in our heads. We deserve to not always just let things go. We deserve to love people so much, that you want to close things in a way not resent them forever.

We all deserve open communication, even when it’s hard, that leads to the open and honest conversations that help us grown, as people and humans who have so much more life to live and lessons to learn.

You deserve to get and as much as we have given, even when it’s over.

You deserve to move forward.

You deserve to be heard.

You deserve closure, in all things, always.

I see invisible clouds hanging over people’s heads every single day, filled with regrets, confusion and all the things that were never said. Clouds that are blocking your light, the light that comes from the sun that helps you grow better and stronger every single day. Never ever stop doing what you have to do, to make YOURSELF whole…