About Last Night...

There are very few moments in life, that literally leave a WTF taste in your mouth. Few times where embarrassment and complete and utter shock meet at a crossroads and make you question your sanity. Last night, was one of those very rare times.

I should start by saying I am almost never embarrassed, by anything. Honestly, when everything you say and do is covered with an almost complete sense of purpose behind it, it’s rare to feel like moments get away from you. Occasionally, I’ll reserve that embarrassment card for a crush or a slip of words that will leave me tongue-tied. But every so often, the embarrassment comes from the moments that test me and push me to a place that I have spent an entire lifetime trying to never reach. Last night, I found myself at that place and I cannot even really wrap my head around it all.

The truth is, the details of the situation hardly matter, but the fact remains, I was pushed, both literally and figuratively to a place I don’t enjoy. I have learned, that often, people show their truest colors while positioned sheepishly behind a whiskey coke or two. Alcohol seems to be the liquid courage people use to do several things they may never do in real life, and often those moments can turn simple interactions to big displays of childish behavior.

It’s important to remind those reading this, and myself, I don’t drink. At all. I have nothing against it. I am not bothered by it. I don’t have a history with it I am trying to avoid, or a demon I want to outrun. It’s simply not for me. Period. But I would be lying if I failed to mention these types of moments don’t make me wave my flag in favor of drinking… but I am smart enough to not judge a few situations by the entire experience.

Last night, in what I can only imagine being a situation fueled by one too many, I was nagged and pushed to a place, seemingly out of the blue by a person that had had one too many drinks. Normally, this would have rolled off my back, but something in me refused to let it go so easily. Maybe because this has happened with others before, an attack on my character, seemingly out of the blue, but I snapped. Truthfully the whole thing feels like a blur and wasn’t my best moment to date.

And while I can’t do much about those involved actions, because to be real, I truly believe he was way to drunk to even remember it today, I can take a long hard look at myself and reevaluate somethings. Every single day I work through a reputation that feels more like a target on my back than a badge of honor. I have gone through the punches of using my platform and my strong will to be bolder and louder than other people in the room, especially when I feel that an injustice has gone on. I can be the funniest person you’ll ever meet. And, the strongest in the pack. I love hard, air on the side of absolute realness, by way of sarcasm, and refuse less than the best from everyone around me. I am loyal to a fault, passionate about things that often seem small, and dedicated to righting wrongs even at my own expense. I have been described as everything from a queen to a bitch, and quite literally everything in between and I have learned to embrace all the parts of me each day.

And with that, I am, also painfully sensitive and overtly aware that the world may not always love me the way I love it. Yesterday, I felt that way, and so much more.

With each stone that was thrown at me last night, the ones that stuck were the small ones. The constant reminder that “nobody really likes you”. I’ve heard that before. Many times, in my 30 plus years, but it never fails to sting any less every time. And while I should learn to take drunk people’s words with a side of salt and lime, it’s the feeling that never seems to fully go away. And honest tea, he was probably right. And so was the last person who said that in a very similar setting drunkenly outside of a club not too long ago. And the friends who didn’t have to say it but ghosted me with no notice. And the relationships that have fallen through the cracks. And the opportunities that once felt so right that pass me by.

Maybe it’s all because no one likes me. Maybe it’s just that simple. Maybe the motto of being yourself sounds better than it feels on me and when God was making me, he added a little too much of all the things. Maybe I am hard to fully digest, to like and to love. Or maybe I should just stay away from drunk people outside the club. Both can be true at the same damn time.

Either way it goes, I know myself better than the person that showed up to defend herself last night. I know that the yelling and carrying on I did isn’t really me. I know that instead of stick around to relish in the aftermath of it all, I left more upset than I have been in a very long time, mostly because I was so disappointed by my own actions. I am a lot of things, but I am defiantly not the person that I was last night and for that I am sorry to all who caught a glimpse of that. I let myself down in more ways than I can explain. But in all things, I am human and sometimes hearing you’re a terrible person makes you act like a terrible person. I embarrassed myself and felt awful all day thinking about it.

The world is painfully unforgiving to little black girls that look like me. Our words are often taken out of context, and our emotions used against us. Our strength is called our sword and the world tends to not wrap its arms around us when we hurt. We hold others up and suffer in silence and rarely are met with forgiveness or second chances. We are the coolest most amazing creatures on Earth, and also so misunderstood. And even knowing all this, sticks and stones can penetrate even the toughest skin.

Moral of the story don’t let people push you into the corner of what they think you are. Don’t let them call you things so loudly you begin to answer to them. So many have placed me in a box, from what they think they know about me, and yesterday I was exactly that person. I am lucky and blessed enough to be a very layered human, flaws and all. Yesterday kind of hurt me a little, (let’s be real, a lot) but not as much as I hurt myself for letting the small stuff get to me. I tell people all the time to be bigger and bolder than the things life throws to them, but how can I say that without doing it myself?

2020 is about refocusing my 20/20, and I realize I still have a lot more to learn about myself.

I am eternally grateful for those that had my back last night and do not take that for granted. You are the people who matter and the folks who deserve to see the best version of me show up. Always.

Still learning,

KB