Token Black Girl Struggles...

Yesterday, while standing in the foyer of my job waiting to go over for a parade, a friend casually mentioned to me, did I ever look around and realize I am one of a few black  (brown) faces there. I looked at him, in all seriousness and said, YES, every single day. 

Welcome to the secret struggle. Every day, I have to be something for someone else. Be a listening ear for people in bad relationships, standing in foolish friendships, looking for feedback to questions they already have the answers too. Be an encouraging ear for people who are also navigating this entertainment world, who are often down on themselves for no reason other than they want you to tell them how great they are before they get new roles and more opportunities not offered to you. A comedic voice, that laughs in the face of all things and tries to add humor to everyone's day. A strong black woman, who seemingly is unaffected by everything, who wakes up everyday in a fresh outfit and nice brows, who tells it like it is, who is sassy and real, but also spends days and night walking on egg shells because everything she does or says in watched closely under a microscope. Who is told, like a child, by someone she respects to learn how to say things without an attitude, while others are praised for their problematic behavior. The Brown girl, who is fun in theory, but not light enough to be the pretty one. Who is reminded each day that I have to sugar coat my delivery in the Mouse House, and  has to dull my shine at Hotel Transylvania... 

Who looks out for me?

More often than not, I listen, smile, take one for them team, laugh, chime in, make jokes, insert classic black woman response, divert, still do my best, keep my thoughts to myself, listen to every entitled tantrum, stay the extra hours, be the cheerleader friend, the I got you friend, the I'm going to say something friend, and do and tell people what they want to hear, etc etc, instead of what I really want to say because in reality they can't handle MY truth. Just the crystal light version they want me to be.

But today Alton Sterling happened. 

Today, I saw a man get killed (by accident). With my own two eyes... and it just... hurts. These people are me. 

My father. My cousins. My friends. Me.

So, today who has my back? Who takes one for the team for me? Who cheers me up when I want to have a bad day? Who writes dissertation Facebook statuses for me, and the struggles of people who look like me. 

We stand for other countries. 

We stand for animals.

Hell even Chick-fil-A passed out a chicken sandwich for Orlando.

So can we agree that maybe black lives can matter now too?

Oh, no one? Because black people are all fun in games until shit gets serious. So excuse me if I'm not everything YOU all need me to be today. But I'm tired. 

"Just because we're magic, doesn't mean that we aren't real..."

Pray. Read. Vote. Or literally die trying. 

And for those of you who this is TOO real for, bright side: I saw a coworker at the hotel using permanent maker to put on eyeliner because she left hers at home. So there's that. Don't worry, the version if me you love is still here, I'm just taking a moment for me....

#altonsterling #themoreyouknow

7.6.16